When Parenting Feels Stuck: The Shift That Changes Everything

Welcome to Special Ed Rising: No Parent Left Behind.

I’m Mark Ingrassia—special educator, advocate, and parent coach. I’ve spent nearly forty years at IEP tables, in classrooms, and alongside families during some of their most important (and sometimes overwhelming) moments. f you’ve ever walked out of a meeting with more questions than answers—or wondered if everyone else got a handbook you somehow missed—you’re in very good company.

What I’ve learned over the years is simple: families deserve clear information, thoughtful support, and systems that feel a little more human.

This podcast is here to make sure no parent has to navigate this journey alone.

We’ll talk about real strategies—practical, usable, and grounded in everyday life.

We’ll explore stress, mindset, and resilience—because this path asks a lot of you.

We’ll look at what meaningful inclusion can truly be.

And we’ll focus on helping parents grow into confident, steady advocates for their children—one step at a time.

I also bring in voices from across education, healthcare, advocacy, policy, and parenting—people who care deeply and want to make things better, together.

If you’re raising, teaching, or supporting someone with disabilities, you’re warmly welcome here.

And if this episode hits home for you, do me a favor. Go drop a 5-star review. That’s how we get this message to more families who need it.

Take a breath—you’re in the right place. Let’s get to work.

Alright—so one of the things I love about working with families is the chance to sleuth solutions to the challenges they present to me. Each situation has its own specific leads to follow and finding the right formula to reach a resolution is both fascinating and satisfying. Today I want to talk about something that I see all the time with families… and honestly, if you’re listening, there’s a good chance you’ve felt this too.

It’s that moment where things just feel… stuck; caught in the same cycles:

Same arguments.

Same frustrations.

Same patterns playing out over and over again.

So you start to feel like this will never be different. You're thinking: Why isn’t anything changing?

But here’s the news on that—what I suggest to families is this:

That moment?

That’s actually an inflection point.

That’s the moment where things can change…

but only if we’re willing to shift how we’re looking at what’s happening.

It Starts With Us. It’s where the real work is. I refer to it and all the efforts in changes we want to make; it’s frontloaded but the payoff as a new normal replaces the old is actually lighter and less effort.

When things escalate, when conflict keeps happening…

we’ve got to be willing to ask:

What role am I playing in this?

Not from a place of blame.

From a place of awareness.

Because every interaction is a two-way dynamic.

And if we’re only focused on what the child is doing,

we’re missing half the equation.

This also means—really listening.

Not just waiting for your turn to respond…

but actually hearing each other out, even when you don’t agree.

There’s a mindset shift here that changes everything.

And it’s this:

Your child is not here for you.

You’re here for them.

To guide them.

Support them.

Protect them.

But the minute we start looking at them through the lens of:

“How they should behave”

“How fast they should grow”

“Who we thought they’d be”

—we start missing who they actually are.

Every kid is different.

Different pace.

Different strengths.

Different challenges.

And when we shift from expectation… to understanding?

That’s where connection starts to happen.

Here’s another shift that can completely change how you respond in the moment:

Behavior is communication.

So what looks like defiance…

is often something else.

It might be overwhelm.

It might be a need for control.

It might be a delay in regulation.

So instead of asking:

“How do I stop this?”

Try asking:

“What is this telling me?”

That one question can take a situation from escalating…

to actually understanding what’s underneath it.

Here’s something that’s hard—but really important:

Growth does not happen under pressure.

It just doesn’t.

When a child feels judged, corrected constantly, or overwhelmed by reactions…

they shut down—or push back harder.

So part of the work is learning to give space.

Space to mess up.

Space to fail.

Space to figure things out.

And this is key—without piling on reminders, lectures, or frustration.

Because when the pressure comes off?

That’s when reflection actually starts.

That’s when they begin to build awareness on their own.

So what does this actually look like day-to-day?

A few things.

First—start catching the small wins.

Not the big, perfect outcomes.

The little stuff.

Got dressed without a fight?

Win.

Handled something slightly better than yesterday?

Win.

We tend to overlook those—but that’s where growth actually starts.

Second—your tone matters more than your words.

Lower your voice.

Slow things down.

Let some things go.

And sometimes that looks like saying:

“I can see you’re really upset… we can talk later.”

And walking away.

That’s not giving up.

That’s staying regulated.

And what that communicates is huge:

“I’m with you… I’m not reacting to you.”

Now let’s talk about something a lot of parents deal with—

those moments where it feels like your child is pushing buttons on purpose.

Arguing.

Escalating.

Using language they know will get a reaction.

A lot of times?

That’s about control.

Not control of the situation—control of you.

Because if they can get a big reaction out of you,

they’ve shifted the power in that moment.

So one of the most effective things you can do?

Don’t give them the reaction they’re expecting.

Instead—redirect it.

You might say something like:

“I get that you’re mad… say that again, but make it funny.”

And suddenly instead of,

“This is so stupid,”

you get,

“I hope your shoe turns into a banana!”

And yeah—it sounds ridiculous.

But it works.

Because it lets them express the feeling…

without reinforcing the behavior.

And it diffuses the moment.

Now, I want to add something really important here—because for a lot of families, this isn’t just about “typical” development.

When you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, everything we’ve talked about becomes even more important—and sometimes more challenging.

Because what looks like defiance may actually be a regulation delay.

What looks like avoidance may be overwhelm.

What looks like control-seeking may actually be anxiety or a need for predictability.

And here’s where parents can get stuck:

You’re trying to relate to your child based on how you think, process, and experience the world.

But your child may not experience the world the same way you do.

Their sensory system might be different.

Their processing speed might be different.

Their ability to shift, organize, or regulate emotions might be different.

So when we expect them to respond the way we would…

we end up frustrated—and they end up misunderstood.

This is where the shift to curiosity becomes critical.

Instead of:

“Why are they doing this?”

It becomes:

“What might this feel like for them?”

And when you start there, your response changes.

It becomes less about correcting behavior…

and more about supporting the nervous system behind it.

Let’s take something like a morning routine.

A lot of times the expectation is:

“They should just do it.”

But that gap between expectation and reality?

That’s where frustration lives.

So instead, we shift.

Focus on what did happen.

“One thing got done independently? That matters.”

Acknowledge it.

And for the rest?

“We’ll get it tomorrow.”

No lecture.

No disappointment.

Just consistency.

That builds trust.

And trust is what eventually builds independence.

Here’s the reality:

Growth is slow.

It’s uneven.

It’s messy.

And it rarely looks like steady progress.

You’ll see improvement…

and then a setback.

That’s normal.

That’s not failure—that’s how growth works.

So instead of constantly measuring progress,

we shift into:

Consistency.

Patience.

Connection.

Because those tiny moments?

They add up.

CLOSING

If you take one thing from this episode, let it be this:

When you stop trying to control the behavior…

and start trying to understand it—

everything changes.

The dynamic changes.

The relationship changes.

And over time—the behavior changes too.

And maybe the most important piece in all of this… is remembering that your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. Especially when they’re neurodivergent, the gap between what they can do and what’s expected of them can feel constant and overwhelming. When we meet that gap with patience instead of pressure, curiosity instead of correction, and connection instead of control, we give them something far more valuable than compliance—we give them the space to understand themselves, to feel safe in who they are, and to grow at a pace that’s actually sustainable.

If this hit home for you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And as always—you're not in this alone.